The Worst Movies... Ever

Worst Movie #2: Planet of the Apes (the completely unnecessary remake)

The rationale behind the making of this movie has never been fully explained. After five orginal Ape movies, each with significantly (and eventually, pathetically) diminishing returns, you would figure that the powers that be would decide that people had had enough of heavy handed social commentary hidden behind, you know, gorilla masks. 

"Oh my God, so when that Ape says he's tired of being a second class citizen, he's really talking about minorities, right? And when a group of Apes lay down in front of an advancing column of infantry, they're really talking about the Vietnam War, right? And when a race of genetically deformed humans worships a nuclear weapon, they're really talking about...."

Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

You get the idea. Not unlike Star Trek, the Planet of the Apes franchise used a thinly veiled sci-fi concept to discuss socially relevant issues. And hey, I'll be the first (by which I mean, probably not the first) to say it was effective. 

The first one? The one with Charleton Heston? I dug it. Totally awesome. Seen it 20 times at least. The one after that, with Charleton Heston look-a-like James Fransiscus. Well, you know, it was okay, I guess. 

Everything after that? 

Not so much. 

Which brings us to the remake of the Planet of the Apes, directed by Tim (my soul is so black and troubled I have a fleet of publicists and a standard $5 million pay or play deal) Burton and starring Mark (no baby, that wasn't actually my penis in Boogie Nights) Wahlberg. 

Reading over the plot summary again, I actually sort of wish I could just post the entire thing here, since it's filled with so many "what the fuck" moments it's fundamental shittiness should have been apparent to anyone who bothered to read a synopsis on the script.  

For instance: 

"A familiar vehicle descends from the sky and is identified immediately by Leo (Wahlberg). It is the pod piloted by Pericles, the chimp astronaut. Pericles was pushed forward in time as Leo was, and had just now found his way to the planet. When Pericles lands, the apes interpret his landing as the return arrival of Semos, the first ape, who is their god. They bow, and hostilities between humans and apes disappear."

Yep. That's what happens. Meanwhile, in the audience, a pregnant woman miscarries. 

The horribleness continues as Leo decides he'd rather not be in such a ridiculously conceived and executed future, and boards the only pod available to travel back to our time (leaving behind the pet chimp who just saved his life), through the same incredibly stable and plot convenient electromagnetic storm. 

After crash landing in Washington DC, both Leo (and the audience) get a final big wad of shit stuffed in their mouth, as we discover, with no goddamn explanation at all, that somehow Apes now control our time as well, complete with a monument to what surely has to be called "Apebraham" Lincoln. 

Yeah, they went there. 

Suffice to say: The Planet of the Apes remake is a movie so terrible it makes me want to throw feces at the screen. 

Why? Because they took an awesome movie, with a cool premise, and turned it into a hundred pounds of rotten mangoes. 

The last time I did one of these features, I compared watching Hollow Man to getting your nuts caught in a toaster. Well, as bad as Planet of the Apes is (and it's a genuine shit sandwich), it's not quite that bad. I'd compare it more to the experience of watching someone you like (say, Charleton Heston) get mangled by a wheat thresher piloted by an ape who looks suspiciously like Tim Burton. 

What's the proper response to this kind of travesty?  

Well, how about this: