Celebrity Birthday of the Day

Happy Birthday, Jessica Hahn!

For those of you who don't remember Jessica Hahn, there are two things it's very important to keep in mind: 

1) Her huge red hair, and 2) Her even-more-huge breasts.  

Pictured: the least slutty picture of Jessica Hahn on the internet.

Oh, and there's that little matter of how she came to the spotlight -- the story of how, while working as a secretary for the TV show The PTL Club, televangelist Jim Bakker either raped her (her story), or, they had a wild night of passion that would even make God say, "Jim, you are the finest sexual beast I have ever created" (his story). 

Now, it would be wrong of me to take sides on this kind of thing. But here are a few facts to keep in mind. 

1) Bakker's church paid Hahn more than $250,000 to keep her story quiet (after the story broke, she was court ordered to pay most of the money back). 

2) Bakker's wife -- ie, a woman we can prove had sex with him consensually -- looked like this.

3) Even if Jessica Hahn had been killed by a robot sent back in time to prevent a human uprising, Bakker would still have had to resign in disgrace for fundraising irregularities, fraud and just generally being an asshole. 

4) After becoming famous, Hahn decided to pose for Playboy and live for a while in the Playboy mansion. 

5) And make 1-900 commercials (like the one above). 

6) And date Sam Kinison, a former preacher turned comedian and hedonist. 

7) And appear in a see-through top at a Howard Stern press conference. 

So what can I say? Jessica Hahn is one of those bizarre 80s spectacles whose story needs to be etched onto a satellite and hurled into space. Hopefully an alien civilization can find it and give us the punishment we so richly deserve.