Job Hunting, California Style: Part 2

Like Conan's old "In the Year 2000" sketch, this blog's disconnect from reality is a gradually growing amusement to me. After all, I still live in Chicago, not LA. 

"But Joe, while you're awesome -- incredibly awesome -- how can you run a blog called Hollywood Humiliation without living or dealing in any way with people who live in Hollywood?!" 

And well, you're right. Especially that part about me being awesome. 

In my defense, however, it's not for lack of trying. In the last few weeks, I've applied for work in LA to do everything from SAT tutoring to writing medical technical manuals. And as you can imagine, this means I spend a good deal of my time on sites like craigslist. 

Which makes it too bad I haven't had any interesting laundromat experiences.... because then I'd be on Easy Street.

Key quote: "Did you catch someone trying on your clothes or stealing your detergent?" 

Have I truly led so sheltered a life that the possibility of this happening strikes me as absolutely ridiculous? I mean, in what universe would someone start pulling clothes that didn't belong to them out of a dryer and, instead of saying "whoops, not mine," start trying them on instead?  

"Yeah, this looks nice." 

"But Tom, that doesn't belong to you. None of the clothes in that dryer belong to you." 

"Your point being?" 

Seriously, is there a producer out there in Hollywood who thinks people are willing to sit through even a half-hour of this kind of coma-inducing shit? 

Uh, did I really ask that?

Speaking of which, how about this catchy listing: "Is your Boyfriend/Girlfriend flirtatious? -- NOW CASTING"

Key quote: "Do you wonder how far he or she might take if put in the situation to be unfaithful?"

I hate to be the guy who reads into the intelligence of others by their grammar skills, but seriously: the missing "it" after "take" in that sentence is a pretty important one. Look at it again. You can substitute anything from "a passionate love affair with a vivacious furry" to "a Little League baseball bat in the ass" for that missing "it."  

Of course, if you're out there and you read an ad like this and think, "hey, that sounds like George. Or, you know, Georgina, whatever the case might be," then you're probably in a what's known in the psychiatric community as a Doomed to All Goddamn Hell relationship. Your life is almost certainly filled with the incredible sadness of knowing your significant other not only cheats on you constantly, but is about to become world famous for doing so. 

Awesome. 

In a class by themselves, of course, are craigslist ads dealing with what we'll delicately call the "adult film industry" (meaning porn). 

Beyond all of the ickiness, of course, the porn industry is actually kind of refreshingly honest about itself (as evidenced by ads like this and this). 

Key quote: "(If being) an adult film star is something you've always dreamed about, this could be your chance." 

My favorite part of this is that "could" near the end. This could be your chance. It frankly begs the question: do they actually turn females away from the porn industry?  I mean honestly, I don't claim to be an expert, but in the wide, wide world of, um, adult films, there seems to be a niche for pretty much every kind of looking woman. Be it fat, hairy, old, midget, or amputee, there's someone out there willing to jones on it (and yes, I could provide links for all them, but I won't). I mean, unless you look like this (male) or this (female), or have an incredible case of flesh-eating bacteria, I don't see how any woman who turns up saying, "yes, I would like to take my clothes off for money" would be turned away.  

The second ad is for what amounts to an adult party planner. Put another way, they're looking for the kind of person who can arrange to have sweaty, naked people show up at their house and shoot extremely dangerous chemicals into their bodies (and also drugs). 

According to the ad, your salary is dependent on the number of people/farm animals you're able to bring. Amazingly, it doesn't specify what kind of people have to show up, which frankly strikes me as an opportunity to cheat. 

Pictured: what nobody had in mind

So as I wade neck deep into the world of Los Angeles employment, this is what's out there. Until I actually move out there and get involved with the ruthless Blood Pigs who make up the Hollywood literary agent cabal, you -- my dear readers -- just have to live with something other than anecdotal evidence. 

Sorry. 

Until then, the eponymous Humiliation of this blog's title will have to be reserved for the more basic fact of my inability to find gainful employment in the ol' City O' Angels. 

Oh well. It'll happen soon. And if not, I'll always have this to fall back on.