Heather Graham is batshit insane

Why? Well, because she thinks she's a witch, that's why. 

A few selected quotes, for the hard of clicking. 

"I have this group of friends and we get together and we call ourselves The Goddesses and we wish for things and then a lot of amazing things have happened to all of us. It's five girls and one guy.... He's a witch." 

Umm, no. He's part of a group known as The Goddesses and refers to himself as a witch, rather than a warlock. 

He's gay.

"One of my friends, she didn't have a lot of money and she was like, 'I want a better apartment,' and we were doing these spells for her and then her dad just bought her an apartment." 

If this shit really worked, wouldn't you shoot for more than just a better apartment? Wouldn't you just cast a spell for the rights to Star Wars and then retire to, I dunno, your own private island?

"My friends really wanted Obama to be elected so we all did a spell... and then he got elected.... It worked out good." 

Aha! Well, I guess this clears up once and for all why McCain lost. 

He pissed off Dick Cheney. 

Because let's face it, as powerful as Heather and her "Goddesses" (plus one gay guy) might be, there's no way they could have stood up to a Dark Lord like Cheney had he been on McCain's side. 

I mean, let's be real. It's this person: 

 

Versus this one:

(note: unretouched photo)

Who do you think is gonna win? Heather Graham might be pretty and all, but she'd be turned into diced hamburger in a Spirit World contest with a beast like Cheney. 

So there you have it. Let's review: 

Heather Graham: not fit to twinkle Elizabeth Montgomery's nose. 

Dick Cheney: wears a shirt made of flames. And likes it. 

John McCain: claims Heather Graham turned him into a newt, but that it "got better."  

Barack Obama: finally writing long-overdue "thank you" letter to Heather Graham and her coven of whackjobs. 

Guy in Heather's Goddesses group: gay.