A few words about The Book of Eli

I'll get back to my Award Winning series on anti-heroes for my next post, but right now I'd like to talk a bit about The Book of Eli, a kodachrome-colored post apocalyptic mess starring Denzel Washington, Gary Oldman and Mila Kunis.

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a stupid plot and cliched characters!

Now a few words about the circumstances under which I watched this movie. First of all, it was the first night of my week long trip to Dallas, which just ended -- visiting my good friend/wildabeast Matt Hickman.

Second of all: we'd... uh, been drinking.

We started at a Mexican restaurant, which are of course pretty rare in Texas, but not before we'd hit a liquor store and a Wal-Mart (and I know what you're thinking -- in Texas that's not neccessarily the same thing) to buy cheap horrible whiskey and flasks.

As Bill Cosby once joked about the huge needles they use to numb your jaw during dental surgery: "this will deaden the pain."

Well, this whiskey, ironically titled Ancient Age (since your chances of become old, much less ancient, decrease every time you drink it), was poured into flasks in the parking lot of the Mexican restaurant, after which we drove to a fancy part of Dallas where the movie theater was, found a nearby bar, and began to... well, you know.

We saved the flasks for the movie. And boy did we need 'em, because The Book of Eli, let's just say, proved that if you fool me once (Avatar), shame on you; if you fool me twice (Sherlock Holmes) shame on me... and well, if you fool me a third fucking time, I guess it's time for my nuts to be ripped off and thrown down a well.

Though for the record, it wasn't my idea to see any of these movies. Thanks, friends!

Anyhow, now that I've rambled on enough about what it was like to sit there and down Ancient Age/Coke in a packed Dallas movie theater with Matt, my brother and three girls I'd just met that night, I suppose it's time to talk about the plot.

So okay. We begin with a slow tracking shot of a forest that seems to be raining human skin, where a diseased cat has discovered a dead human body (missed soundtrack opportunity: the Benny Hill theme). The cat comes up, sniffs the body. It looks hungry, ready to feed, only it doesn't realize that closeby a hunter (Denzel Washington, at least we assume, it's never made clear), is waiting to kill him with a comically huge bow and arrow.

Actual screenshot.

After the arrow hits and the opening credits roll, we're greeted with an image that will become mind numbingly repetitive as the movie drags on:

Denzel Washington. Walking.

And walking.

And walking some more.

If nothing else, The Book of Eli proves the wisdom George Miller had to at least give Mad Max a car. Walking, The Book of Eli helpfully teaches us, is incredibly boring.

So anyhow, Denzel has been walking for 30 years. This means that even if you give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he started in Maine, it's taken him 10,950 days to go the 3,300 miles to San Francisco, which means that buff, badass Denzel has been averaging just (uh, wait, just a second, checking my math) 500 yards a day.

Forrest Gump laughs at you, Denzel. He laughs hard.

So anyhow, Denzel rests for the night, "showers" with a handi-wipe, eats his cat, and listens to his iPod. Yes, an iPod, which he's somehow kept recharged and working for 30 fucking years (iPod battery lifespan: 500 charges. Warranty: one year).

Despite the obvious difficulties in maintaing his iPod, Denzel falls asleep with it on and drains the battery, proving once again my theory: people who would survive in a post apocalyptic world for 30 years are incredibly careless.

So on his search for a charger for his battery, and also some water, Denzel begins to encounter bad guys, who he either a) avoids as they rape a woman, or b) murders. Eventually he comes up on a town run by Oldman.

Oldman's character is your basic crime lord -- complete with a bald henchman -- who's been sending roving, illiterate gangs out to look for a very special book (a spoiler I will reveal later on). Apparently all of the "books" of this kind were destroyed in the apocalpyse (a move that, once you know what the book is, seems even more baffling).

So yeah, no prizes for guessing who has the last of the books (Denzel, you idiot), and what happens next (Oldman wants it and Denzel won't let him have it, you idiot).

While in town, Denzel meets the proverbial hooker with a heart of gold (played by Mila Kunis), who's sent up to his room to seduce him and tries to get a look at the "book."

Denzel turns her down. Proving once again my other theory: a man who's been alone for 30 years would definitely pass up a chance at Mila Kunis.

It's about this time that the filmmakers let you very subtly onto the fact that the "book" everyone keeps talking about is, yes, ugh... a Bible (this is achieved with the very subtle visual device of a foot-long cross painted on it's cover). Oldman wants it because he feels he'll be better at controlling the town once he has a hold of it's spiritual vocabulary or something (his point is never made very clear on this, which is probably a good thing since it's moronic).

Anyhow, after a few close calls and a few vaguely stupid action sequences, Denzel manages to get away from the town. After they realize he's gone, Oldman's men try to follow him in a convoy of trucks, only they can't catch up to him.

Remember when I said Denzel averaged 500 yards a day? Even if you're only going 5 miles an hour, that only takes 4 minutes to drive. I mean, even if we're saying he walked 20 miles (which he certainly doesn't, because at one point he has to stop to kill people), the filmmakers expect you believe he got away from them on foot without explaining, you know, how the fuck that happened.

So anyhow, Denzel and Kunis hide out for the night in what looks like an old nuclear silo and manage by the next day to get to a house where a couple of fine old cannibals live. Oldman finally shows up and a huge shoot out ensues where, after a standoff, Denzel is forced to give Oldman the book in exchange for Kunis' life. Oldman then shoots him in the stomach and drives off.

So now, finally possessing the book he has sought for years -- the key to his continuing rule of his shitty border town -- does Oldman actually look inside of it? No. And why? Because that would ruin a stupid surprise the movie leaves for the end (the Bible is in Braille. Gasp! Does that mean Denzel has been blind all this time? Frankly, I dare you to give a shit).

As Kunis drives away with Oldman's men, she decides she doesn't want to be with them anymore, so she makes both trucks crash horribly, though she's miraculously okay, and drives back to be with Denzel....

Who is still. Fucking. Walking. Despite the fact that he should be bleeding to death from a massively infected wound in a stomach he hasn't cleaned for 30 years. I mean, am I wrong about this? How far can the average person who's been shot in the stomach walk? Five hundred yards, maybe?

Anyhow, Kunis comes back to pick Denzel up, and she drives him into San Francisco and toward -- where else? -- Alcatraz. Once they find a boat, Denzel -- gut shot, bleeding -- starts rowing, instead of Kunis, leaving us to imagine what must have been the following conversation:

"I mean, jeez, Denzel. You're bleeding to death. I should really row."

"No way. I'm the hero. I'll row until I pass out, then you row."

"But why don't I just row now? I mean, if you're just going to pass out."

"You ever hear of foreshadowing, bitch? Plus, it turns out I might be blind."

"What? You're blind? But I watched you fire a gun. And beat up some guys. And look at my rack. How have you been doing all of..."

"Don't ask questions. I'm the hero. You ever seen Batman? That's me. I've got Spidey sense, too. And the Force."

So once Denzel passes out, Kunis starts rowing. And fuck if I'm tired of typing out this stupid plot, but, well... a curator (Malcolm McDowell) of things from before the apocalypse on the island takes Denzel and Kunis in, Denzel recites the entire fucking Bible from memory (!) and then of course dies from his stomach wound.

Average time of death from a gunshot wound to the stomach? Fifteen minutes.

Time it takes to recite the Bible? 77 hours, 22 minutes.

The End.

Final thoughts: Despite the clumsy spiritual mumbo jumbo and occassional that-was-fucking-stupid moments, the main failing of the movie is really none of those things, or even the movie's glacial pace (though none of those things help). It's the fact that there's nothing interesting or clever about Denzel's character. These kinds of movies and characters have been done many times before -- The Omega Man, Solyent Green, Jeremiah Johnson, even Tom Hanks' character from the middle section of Cast Away. They're men of action, using their wits and experience to survive in a hostile and dangerous world. Denzel's character does none of that. Besides showering with handi-wipes and looking for water and new boots, we get no sense of the mechanics of his world and how he survives it. I mean, even a comedy like Zombieland (a much better movie, by the way) shows more of an interest in post-disaster rules and ethics. As much as anything, it's this lack of creativity that dooms The Book of Eli to occilate between the boring and the preposterous.