The Worst Movies... Ever

Congratulations, May!

If you know me at all, you take one look at that poster and say, "Joe, why the fuck did you watch that movie?"

And that's a pretty good question. After all, I don't particularly like horror movies. And when I'm not laughing at them, I can't say I think too highly of goth people, either (though to be honest, that's why I'm laughing at them).

So why did I watch this monumental piece of shit? Well, take a look at this picture.

This is Natasha. No really, that's her name. Once upon a time, Natasha and I were roommates, sharing an apartment at one of the worst apartment complexes in Gainesville (which is really saying something).

The story of my time living there with Natasha as my roommate is a incredibly weird, vaguely fucked up affair, but for purposes of this story only one thing really matters.

May is her favorite movie.

Of course, I'd never heard of it, and when she asked me whether I'd like to see this "really awesome movie," I should have said, "uh, no fucking way," but instead I said "sure". And man did I fucking live to regret it.

The Plot

May is the story is a lonely, awkward girl (named May) with a lazy eye whose only friend is a freakishly weird-looking doll named Suzy.

Yeah.

Anyhow, May works at a veterinary hospital and becomes infatuated with a local mechanic named Adam, played by Jeremy Sisto. She's particularly interested in his hands. Strangely, a magical pony does not at any point show up.

May and Adam begin dating, and at some point he shows her a movie he's made for school called "Jack and Jill" about a young couple who go on a picnic only to end up eating each other.

As you can imagine, that makes May's special parts all tingly, and when the movie's over she attacks him, biting his lip to the point of drawing blood. May apologizes, blaming her doll. For some incomprehensible reason, Adam is surprised by this behavior, freaks out and leaves.

At this point, May gives in to a lesbian colleague played by Anna Faris. Sadly, this promising sequence does not particularly go anywhere.

But Wait, it Gets Worse

I won't bore you with too much more of the minutiae of the plot. The basic idea is this: May accidentially kills a cat given to her by the Anna Faris character. Instead of burying it, she keeps in her freezer. When some skater punk comes over, he makes the unforgivably stupid mistake of looking in a freaky person's freezer and finds the cat. He freaks out, and May stabs him in the head with a pair of scissors.

What happens next really deserves to be quoted from the plot summary:

At Polly's house, (May) and Polly carry on a normal conversation about work until May pulls out a couple of scalpels she stole from the animal hospital and puts them in each side of Polly's neck. Polly laughs at her, thinking this is a joke and stating that she knows that May would never hurt her until May actually starts cutting her neck, much to Polly's astonishment, before dying.

Yeah. Anyhow, May keeps killing her friends, believing that if she just takes parts from each of them, she can create some kind of horrific "super friend."

So she kills a friend of hers with long legs and cuts off the legs. She kills Adam and cuts off his hands. And at home, she assembles her, uh, friend, calling her Amy.

And then this happens.

(Once it's) finished, (May) realizes that Amy can't actually see her. So, in a rush of misery, she gouges out her right eye (the lazy one) with the scissors. Crying in pain, she puts in on Amy's head and sobbingly begs for the toy to look at her. Exasperated and in pain, May leans her head against Amy's shoulder. May sees her friend suddenly come to life and touch her face lovingly, with Adam's treasured hands. May smiles, and the credits roll.

So imagine for a second being in my shoes. The movie has just ended, and you look over at your roommate, the person who recommended it, a freakish goth person named Natasha.

This is her favorite movie.

The main character, who she clearly identifies with, just butchered and mutilated a bunch of people.

Oh, and you just spent the last two hours of your life watching an incredibly shitty movie.

Yeah.

I remember just sort of backing away slowly and making a note to lock the door to my room. Natasha and I weren't roommates for much longer. I moved out with three months left on the lease.